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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
NewMadge says
Love this and all of Shaunti’s advice. Changed my life and my marriage <3
Amkasada says
Ohhh WOW! This was JUST the article I needed to read today!! My husband and I are currently 3000+ miles apart due to his work situation. I will be making the 8 day cross country trip at the beginning of next month after I pack up the apartment, sell most of our stuff and pack up my tiny Toyota Yaris by myself. My primary love language is touch with a secondary of words of affirmation. When we are together, my husband is a master of non-sexual touch but not very good at words- he’s just not that kind of man. I always felt loved when we were together. However, We have been apart now for almost a month (it feels much longer) and I just have this growing ache of lack of love recently. I always said I didn’t want to try to change him, yet I kept trying to pull, prod, and provok out of him, his (rare) flowery romantic words. I was discouraged when the words I wanted just didn’t come or didn’t feel like enough. This article made me realize just how selfish I’ve been. I prayed and asked God to help me mend my ways of trying to subconsciously change my wonderful man into something I always knew he never was going to be. Instead I decided I wanted to show my support for his hardwork and dedication to our little family. I sent him a text asking how I could specificlly pray for HIM today. To my surprise, he didn’t respond with anything about his long 13+ hour days or his work trucks that keeps breaking down. He didn’t mention about the headaches he gets when the exhaust is messed up and leaks into the cabin causing him to get wet since he has to leave the window down. He didn’t ask for prayers for his back and good sleep now that he is sleeping on his parent’s futon in their spare room. He didn’t ask for strength for the physical labor he has to do day in and day out. He asked for prayers for ME and my preparations for the trip!!!! He said his daily prayer was for me!!! Wow!!! I just started to cry tears of overwhelming understanding. His heart definitely doesn’t beat with the flowery love songs that mine does for him but it definitely DOES beat with crazy love for me!!! I thanked him for his love, affection and support and most importantly for his loving words, that have touched my heart today! He made my day!!!! Thank you for this article to prompt me to get out of my own way and stop seeing him the way I never wanted to see in the first place. Shaunti, I’m so glad that God has blessed you with the words that continue to change my life in a big way everyday!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!
Caroline Niziol says
This is Caroline from Shaunti’s team — thank you for sharing your story and what a beautiful resolution! So glad you were touched and had this great exchange with your husband!
Ruby says
So everytime he doesn’t want to do a chore or take my needs into account, it is my fault? Because I don’t understand him? You’re right, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how a middle-aged man can let his wife bring in 80% of the income, handle all the finance, do 90% of the chores and get to sit on his backside playing on the computer in his spare time. But, you know, we good Christian wives just need to “submit” and do it all and “understand” that he doesn’t have to change, we do.
suzannah says
Ruby, you sound like me….and why do all of her advice articles focus on the wife providing for HIS needs? What about husbands who don’t pay attention to their wives (in the bedroom) like they are supposed to??
Caroline Niziol says
Hi Suzannah, this article is addressed to wives. Look at the resources section and you’ll find plenty of articles addressed to men. 🙂 http://shaunti.com/resources/?facet_topic=28#service-content
suzannah says
Thanks Caroline Niziol. Wonder why only the women’s articles show up on my Facebook feed?