| Author |
Messages |
|
nazarene
Posts:7
 |
| 11/21/2010 7:42 AM |
|
Ok, Everybody, I am a little scared and confused. It is not so bad but it is I think pretty serious all the same.
I spent a few years of frustration wanting to get with women for pleasure but I got over that phase, and spent six y. ears in celibacy, wanting to be committed to my marriage partner. I
think I am one guy I get one committment, I want to give it as a gift to
the woman I love. I think I won't be so ambivalent as other guys are. I
will study these issues, and I've studied gender differences and
psychology in general for the last year. Before this I spent the time of
celibacy getting into nature, vegetarianism, religion, etc but lately
it's been about relationships.
I am in Poland teaching English. The problem is I met this woman in my
travels, and then I stayed with her for a week at her place a couple
months later, in Germany, after I visited my brother in spain. I've been
getting more in more in love with her. It feels like a soulmate
connection. I kept in touch and I wrote and talked to her on the phone. I
didn't plan this, I didn't plan the feelings or actions. Since arriving
here in Poland I visited her once and we did things, and now she loves
me as much as I love her, or maybe more. I still lover but now reality sets in and my feelings get covered over, and I don't know what to do.
I am not that stupid. I WOULD know what to do.. if it were anything like a normal situation. The thing is not only the distance now, but also the age. I see there is one of my students is so bright and beautiful. When I enter the class she brightens and I do too. I've only taught her twice since she's in a location I am not sent too much. She had asked me the first day in front of the class if I had a wife, but sighed when I said I had a german friend (this was before I visited my German friend and things happened). The thing is, I want to be emotionally loyal, and I am now. I've had the chance to ask her out and I didn't do it because I want to committ and be loyal.
But the situation is this: Here's a girl here who is my age and in my city almost, and there's this other woman I love who is 16 years older and far away. Who should I be loyal too? People are saying age doesn't matter. Maybe it doesn't, but maybe it does. I don't care about what society thinks. That's not a factor for me. What's a factor is that maybe not in five years, maybe not in ten, I will lose attraction for her, and then what? I'm not sure this is natural. I know it's love, but I don't want to go against nature! I'm probably blocked from a future with both of them.. but it's my bed, I have to lay in it. I wasn't going to make love to anyone until marriage. Now I doubt I'll ever be married. Even if I did get with my german friend, I'd be too scared I think to marry.. and that would leave both of us at incomplete fulfillment. Man this is tough, depressing. I feel responsible. I feel so because i know I am. And my friend is strong, resilient, but man, she's been through a lot. More than anyone here- east german political prison, torture there, problems with family, and more.. She gets depressed and has a tough time with abandonment- not that she's trying to manipulate me at all into being there. She's not all like that. In fact I knew this all before. But my drives, I can't control! I am sorry. I am scared and confused.
I know all the arguments and conflicts we might have in a relationship maybe mostly don't have to do with age, but differences in communication styles and emotional needs, like John Gray says, and Emerson Eggrich and Shaunti. I can get through those. I need to build a defense against grief. I hope I have not wooed not where I should. I say let grief be a falling leaf, at the dawning of the day.
Maybe this one girl in my class wouldn't have been the one either, although.. if not here, there's bound to be someone else my age and location. I feel like I set out to sea in a raft and was taken out of my depth, and now I need to trust and learn and devote myself as much as possible- although no more. I must be authentic and loyal to the degree I can.
What do you suggest? thoughts? I visit her at Christmas, she visits me here for a few weeks in January and she wants me to go with Israel to her in the summer. Yeah, that's what it is with me.
|
|
|
|
|
|