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LisaG
Posts:7
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| 09/15/2011 3:21 PM |
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| My man will not TAKE a leadership role!!! I would love to employ some of the suggestions in the book but how do you do that if your man is perfectly content to allow you to make all the decsions, plans etc...he has virtually no opinions on most things..he even asks me what he thinks he should order for dinner at a restaurant??? I also bring home the bacon not something we discussed but his career tanked about a decade ago and he still has not figured out what else to do...I find him more emotional than I am....I DO NOT want to wear the pants in the family but I am forced to because he wont!!! How do i get him to be the leader of my household..I love my husband but i just do not respect him!! how long do I have to fake it? he is a sweet a loving man and faithful and Godly and many great things... I just wish he had some backbone...it makes him undesireable sexually to me as well ( which I dont deny him)..I just would love do do more than go through the motions!!! in both the bedroom and in our life. He is just to wishy washy it takes every ounce of strength I have not to bull doze over him.. I would never leave but boy I am exhausted from pretenting I respect him!!!! I would like just once to actually mean it |
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mack&wan2011
Posts:1
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| 10/02/2011 8:38 PM |
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| How long has this been going on? Have you always been the leader or was this the result of him losing his job? A good start would be Ephesians 5:33. A wife "must" respect her husband. This is not conditional. You may want to try discussing your concerns with him by telling him what you desire not just giving hints because he may not get it. If he already feels disrespected, he may be in shut down mode. It would be hard to communicate until he feels respect has been restored. |
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LisaG
Posts:7
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| 10/07/2011 8:40 AM |
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it was from the start just so insecure he wont lead in our home. I do show him respect on the outside its INSIDE I do not feel it I cannot help that its just not there.... believe me I have been walking with the LORD fir 20 years I know the word...but he just wont take his role I have talked with him we have been married 16 years I have not kept this to myself. He is indecisive and is afraid to make a wrong decsion so he makes NO decsion..Its frustrates me!! I ask his opinion he either has none or prefers to go with mine...MAKE A DESCION fo r crying out loud!!! |
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yoyo
Posts:1
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| 10/23/2011 11:57 PM |
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I'm wondering if your husband feels that you've the better of the decision making ability (in turn leadership) between the both of you and hence had inadvertently allow the process of decision making to fall on your laps.
Would you consider asking your husband what is his thought/s on an issue requiring a decision? Phrase the inquiry that you value his input and a joint decision is what you appreciate and value in your marriage. |
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LisaG
Posts:7
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| 10/24/2011 7:57 AM |
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| I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he NEVER has an opinion or an answer. His favorite response is I don't know or what ever you think or no response at all. I have talked to him nicely about his role as leader, provider etc. I have said it nicely, I have said it angrily, I have had seasons where I said nothing said nothing and just prayed. I have tried just NOT making a decsion....( then none gets made and important thing just get ignored) The man JUST WILL NOT STAND UP AND LEAD!!!!! again. I DO TREAT HIM WITH RESPECT. I give him the respect comanded in the bible...but INSIDE I am at my witts end. INSIDE....I do not respect the man. I pray that GOD change me ...I have been praying this for 16 years. |
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yen
Posts:1
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| 11/03/2011 12:36 AM |
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I fully empathise with you. I, too, have a husband (married 32 years) who is passive. We had a big crisis recently and had to see a counsellor to work through why I am dominant and he, passive. We made tremendous progress from a variety of resources. They are, firstly, the counsel from our psychologist. Secondly, the books that Shaunti and Jeff had written (my husband read For Men Only). I have also read a book written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend How People Grow, which is excellent for helping me in getting back to God's desire for me. Lastly, I had to give myself 100% over to God. Yes, that means a decision that should have been made but was not made can still make me disappointed. If I fully give myself over to God, I need to trust He sees and works the big picture. I don't. Trust God even if the place is falling apart. Listen closely to Him. Sometimes I find in my despair I have "selective hearing loss" that blocks what God is saying to me. I don't have the answer to your problems but I believe God has and sometimes we need to come to the end of ourselves, just like Job, before He can do something in us. Maybe your problem needs to be worked through with a professional? Whatever you do, do not give up on your marriage and on your husband. I strongly feel your husband is hurting so much he being a man will not verbalise it. I am also learning these new things about men. I told my husband I gave him my heart 32 years ago and was hurt through our combined failures to address our inner hurts. Now, I am giving my heart to him again and I am not afraid if he trash it because I trust God knows and sees the big picture.
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Trevor
Posts:8
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| 01/10/2012 12:44 PM |
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| I wonder if early on in your relationship he made some decisions that you didn't like so he just decided to let you make those calls. I do that with my wife with certain things (not usually the major things) like choosing where we go out to eat. I got sick of picking a place and then having her protest about it or have a disappointed look. I can find something to eat anywhere so I don't care where we go. So maybe this is something that has built up over time and now he just doesn't know how to change it back. |
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Sashannadelina
Posts:3
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| 02/01/2012 10:41 AM |
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I'm young and have been married for 3.5 years, so you can take this or leave it. I am the oldest of 7 children, and though in many ways I don't have the natural disposition of an oldest child, I was very used to making decisions and helping my younger siblings etc. My husband is the second child, very precocious, crazy, and competitive, but not a leader, per say. When we were dating my father warned him that he would have to be firm with me in order to take the leadership role that he was supposed to have in our relationship. I'm thankful that my dad warned him of my tendencies, however, even with the warning, it has still taken us a lot of time to work out exactly what it means that he is the leader.
I realize that much of my frustration with him not being a leader was caused by me. I am naturally assertive, better at "practical" things like paying bills, making business calls, etc. He is super creative and whimsical, and just not very grounded in a practical sense. I think that, since we got married at a young age (him 19 and me 22) we allowed our natural tendencies to run the relationship, which ended up being a great frustration to both of us. I wanted him to lead, but would shut him down without even realizing it, because I was "better" at something than he was. He would allow me to make the decisions for the same reason.
It has taken a lot of work on my part to, firstly, realize that my attitude, including my belief that he was bad at making decisions, was a huge part of the problem. It has also taken me starting a lot of the work on myself in order for him to come around. Basically, I had tied his hands for so long that it took me a while to convince him that I would let him make decisions without interfering. Now that we've made that progress, he's much more open to being a leader, having opinions etc. And he has rewarded my attempts at being respectful (from the heart, not just on the surface) by taking initiative in areas that I never expected.
I will give you a couple of suggestions. Some other women have suggested the Bible and your relationship with God. Ephesians 5 says to submit to your husband as to the Lord. If you are having a hard time giving your life to the Lord, then it will be impossible to truly respect your husband. Secondly, make a list of all the things you love about your husband. Even if it takes a while to think of, sit down and make an effort. Read old love letters. Don't think to yourself, "Well, that's how he used to be." Chances are, the things you loved about him are still there, you are just too busy focusing on what you hate to see them. And when you notice nice things, tell him immediately and specifically. Your admiration will encourage him to make progress. You cannot change him by trying. You can only change yourself, and then watch how he responds.
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