Shaunti Fledhahn

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Subject: is he cheating on line
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jwalkerUser is Offline

Posts:1

07/21/2008 3:53 PM  
My husband is always on the computer. He is always reading a online forum for his sports car. When I walk past the computer he quickly hides what he is reading. He does have a past history of being a porn user. I can't handle the dishonesty. I am having trouble sleeping and feel the stress physically. I hate to keep naging him about it, I just want to know the truth.
Linda CrewsUser is Offline

Posts:10

07/23/2008 2:39 PM  
Well,  i have my right eyebrow raised.  interpretation:  I'd be highly suspicious too.  How long has it been going on - the quickly hiding what he's reading?  As in, it isn't a possible surprise birthday present he's researching?   My teens do that when they don't want me to see their facebook page they are reading, etc.  I think you are wise to be suspicious, but that said - dont' jump to conclusions if you don't know all the facts yet.  Check out the resources on the rest of the site - For Women Only/Go Beyond the Book, resources for the sexualized culture - the first paragraph has several helpful resources.  THen the Reader Corner/Hot Topics, one of the questions deals with Porn and there are a couple of things to read there.  You don't want to turn your head and pretend the issue doesn't exist if your further research concludes your fears are correct.  Read the Steps of Hope document on our site and also get a counselor to help.  I'm thinking of you and praying for the truth to be revealed to you and for you to have the courage to do the right next step - just the one next step.  Don't go any further than that.  God will give you the courage and direction for one step at a time.
Linda
DLCummingsUser is Offline

Posts:2

09/07/2008 6:59 PM  
As a fellow, I would like to offer my input.

1: It is possible that he is viewing porn or having an illicit converstion online.

2: It is also possible that he is viewing a website that bothers you or stirs up a negative response from you and isn't a negligable site.


Of course, this depends on your situation--which I am not privy to.  I say this as in the past--as an Internet addict--I have chose to attempt and hide sites from my wife that had no inherent negative value.  For me it was forums (and here I am, although much more controlled) where I could debate politics, religion and so forth.

The fact that she might see me on a forum and then roll her eyes, scoff or otherwise show discontent caused me to become somewhat secretive.

Anyway, that's my $.02.

Cheers,

DL
TerriUser is Offline

Posts:2

09/25/2008 11:05 AM  

Well, my husband was acting like this and told me he was not doing anything not to worry or be paranoid.  Then I walked through the room and caught him on a porn site.  He told me there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.  We discussed it and he said that if it bothered me he would not do it. Then when he was online playing fantasy sports I would walk by and he would change the screen quickly.  He also plays online games where there is chat capablilities. 

This went on for awhile and any time I would bring it up in conversation I was told that I was overreacting and paranoid and that I should trust him and respect his privacy.  So I agreed and left it alone.  That was a mistake.

We were expecting a response on a purchase that he had coming back on his email.  I got up early one morning and decided to check to see if we received it yet.  I had not looked at his email in a long time.  He checked my daily and complained about my Christian jokes with my friends.  I actually got yelled at for exchanging these sweet and cute jokes.

What I found in his email blew me away. There were emails from his friends with sex jokes which included some horribly explicit photos, emails from Adult Friend Finder, an adult sex site to meet and cheat to name a few things, emails from a woman saying she loved him and more that I won't put on here.  I was crying and crying.  My heart was broken.  As I read each email and his responses I felt so betrayed and used. He told her he loved her and wanted her and that they were going to be together and she could adopt our 10 year old son when they got married.  (Did I die and miss it?)  He was also a member of a swingers site.  There was so much more that I found that it would take me days to put here.  I confronted him that day and I was crying and very upset.  He laughed in my face.  I had sent the 10 year old to the neighbors house but our 19 year old was at home.  He was very upset with his dad.  They never got along anyway but this really did not go over well.  He did not want to go to counseling or anything.  We ended up seperating and filing for divorce.  When my attorney told him he had to leave the house,(he was being very mean to me and the kids and actually hit the older child and knocked him across the room) he came in and stole our son's laptop that he used for college.  Apparently he could not be off the porn sites for even one day.  He was that addicted.  We had to call 911 to get my son's computer back that my parents had bought him for graduation.  My parents are on social security so that gift was a big price for them to pay and then have him take it.  When we got the computer back it had a virus and porn would pop up no matter what site you were on.  Then when he had the 10 year old for the weekend he showed him porn.  My attorney and his got involved and told him that he would lose any rights to the child if he continued this behavoir.  His comment to me had been that it would make him a man.  I was shocked and overwhelmed at the extent of this problem. We are divorced and the children live with me.  They only see him when they have to.  It is very sad.

Be very careful with porn addition, it can ruin everything.  I had no idea how badly this can get into someone where they feel they have to have it and begin to believe that what they see on those sites is okay.  It is not on any level.

Fallen ShortUser is Offline

Posts:5

09/25/2008 9:44 PM  
Holy Cow!!! That story is really sad :( not because of the extent of his addiction--which is very bad--but the fact that he is not even a little bit sorry!

You have my prayers. I hope you are getting support (or counseling) for you. If there is a "For Women Only" group in your area, I would encourage you to attend. My wife attended one, and it helped her a lot.
Julie FidlerUser is Offline

Posts:81


09/27/2008 5:18 PM  
What a sad situation. I will be praying for you guys. :-(
We have some good friends that went through the pain of porn addiction. They went through quite a bit of marriage counseling, and got rid of the Internet and any videos in the house that were the least bit suggestive. Men definitely need accountability to recover.

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bggUser is Offline

Posts:2

11/17/2008 7:59 PM  
May be you should talk to him and say your doubts.


DaveUser is Offline

Posts:5

12/18/2008 2:12 PM  
I suggest you figure out how to view his 'browser history' and 'cache'. If it's been wiped clean, he may be hiding something.

You can also install a "keystroke logger" to record everything he types.

You might also consider phoning your internet service provider, and asking them to block certain sites from their side.
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