testimony
I understand that you almost lost your marriage because of your husband’s addiction to porn. Would you tell us how you discovered your husband’s problem?
One week prior to my first son’s birth I found my husband looking at porn on the computer. I had suspected that something was seriously wrong and that he might be looking at porn for some time, so this particular day I snuck downstairs, without him hearing me, and found him looking at it. At first he lied and said that was the first time he had looked. He finally admitted he had been looking at porn for 7 months when I found out.
What made you suspect he was viewing porn?
I suspected he was dabbling in porn because he was spending hours in our home office doing financial work that shouldn’t take that long. Our sex life had reduced significantly with no explanation. I later learned that this is a typical response with porn addictions – either the sex life is hyper-mode or diminishes significantly. Last but not least, my husband was a different person, from the inside out, than the man I married—his attitude was completely different. Those were all the signs that made me suspicious about his watching porn initially.
How did you feel about that and how did you respond to him?
I was so repulsed, furious and disgusted when I found out. I felt robbed. It was like I was dying to my dreams of the fruitful Christian marriage I had saved myself for. I really wanted to die! I became angry and vengeful and vindictive towards him.
What did your husband do when you caught him in the act?
While my husband was sorry he was caught, he was not repentant. He never changed – the person I married was still different. I had no proof but knew he was still involved with immorality. I became ugly and vindictive to him and really felt hopeless. Finally, I said “if you don’t repent, I’m leaving you.” He kept lying about it and saying he had repented and that he wasn’t looking at porn. So, when my son was 18 months old and I was 4 months pregnant with my second child, I left my husband and crossed the country to stay with my parents for an indefinite period of time.
What were your plans?
I really didn’t know. I wanted him out of my life the way he was, but now I realize that was the wrong response. When I left I told two friends that I was leaving and I explained why. One of those friends told me about Shaunti’s book, For Women Only. Since I felt like the book couldn’t help with our problem, I chose not to get it at that time. So I took our son and left to the west coast for an undetermined amount of time.
So how did you end up back East?
After being gone for a month, I agreed to return for my husband’s birthday. Just to pass the time on the long return flight, I picked up a copy of For Women Only and read it cover to cover on the plane. My eyes were opened to some new things, in particular the controlling and intrusive aspect of the visual nature of a man. When I got home I asked my husband if it was true about the “visual rolodex” in a man’s mind and the pop-up images which Shaunti refers to in the book, and he confirmed it was true. This was a turning point for me. The “visual rolodex” gave me compassion for his plight, yet not tolerance for his porn. Now I understood that as a man if he’s going to sin it would be natural that he would be prone to fall prey to the suggestive, graphic images of our culture. Before I read the book, I couldn’t understand his plight – I just felt he was disgusting and should have much more control over his thoughts and actions.
How did you respond to this new revelation?
I returned home with our son because my husband convinced me he was repentant, and I now had a new understanding of his struggle as a man. However, over time I could still see that he hadn’t had a real heart change and I felt confident he was still involved with porn, but I couldn’t prove it. Then, just 3 months from delivering our 2nd child I caught him again. This time, though, I was different. I had more understanding – not tolerance for porn, but compassion for his problem. Even though I had compassion, I still was not responding in a Godly manner, and I think my husband thought I would leave for good this time. In addition to his fear of losing his family, God had been working in his life through a few new friends who are committed believers. God’s timing is impeccable because had these men not been in my husband’s life, he wouldn’t have had anyone to turn to, as we were looking for a church body at the time.
How did that response affect your husband?
Shortly after he was caught the second time, he went to the above mentioned men and told them what was really going on in his private life. That started the process of his true repentance. He openly admitted his problem with these men they did not excuse the problem by saying, “I’ve struggled with that too”, “all men deal with that” or “men will be men”– they prayed for him, starting meeting with him for accountability, and told him about settingcaptivesfree.com. It’s an online Bible study for different kinds of addictions, including sexual addiction. My husband went there, signed up for the 60-day study and finished it almost without missing a day. By God’s grace, my husband became truly repentant before God and for the first time in 2 years,I began to see remnants of the godly man I had married.
Where did you go for help?
Before finding Setting Captives Free, I felt cheated and had become vicious and vindictive in my self-righteous condemnation, which only drove the wedge between us even deeper. But there came a point, when I realized my sin of anger and bitterness was just as hurtful as his adulterous porn sin and just as he wasn’t repenting, neither was I. Then the settingcaptivesfree.com website helped open my eyes to see things from a Godly perspective and I began to repent of my anger. Their site has a 60-day Bible study for the spouses, called “The United Front”. In addition, the study uses the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace to compliment the daily study passages. Both the study and the book helped me tremendously.
So where are you two now in your journey?
I truly thought our marriage was DOOMED. I never thought God would restore what had been lost Since finishing the Setting Captives Free Bible studies, we are both more sincere in our own personal faith, we are more obedient to God in marriage, and our marriage has been restored. We are expecting our third child now, andwhile we have the usual marital conflict and challenges, we are stronger now today than we were before this journey through the porn addiction.
How do you know your husband won’t slip back into porn?
Now we both know that he is prone to be lured into the world of porn, so we have taken some very effective precautions to protect against that. My husband admits that occasionally he is still tempted – even anything above PG is blocked from our television. We use a product called Covenant Eyes for computer accountability and boundaries. It sends an email at the end of each week reporting every site that was visited – we have the email go to me and another friend that helps hold him accountable. This product is much more effective than a filter which has ways around it. My husband is glad we have Covenant Eyes and doesn’t want to take the risk of not having it. To him, it’s the same concept as keeping alcohol in the house of an alcoholic.
Does your husband have any advice for women who may suspect their husband is into porn?
He says to be realistic about the struggle – movies, magazines, t.v.—can affect your husband. Avoid keeping tempting materials in the house. As a wife, you can’t police him; men hate to be controlled. Guys who really want to get out of this realize it is destroying their lives, including their family, marriage, and relationship with God. They are truly sad over their sin. Those guys are willing to have boundaries imposed upon them. The Setting Captives Free program would be very helpful for the husband and wife.
What have you learned?
No one is above porn addiction – my husband had a sterling reputation, was known as an Opie Taylor type guy, and I thought he was above sexual sin. God can save anything – I never even hoped in God this much. I learned more about God’ Word – it does give provision for hard times like this. His Word gives guidelines for handling lies, adultery, etc.
If someone suspects a spouse is involved in porn what do you suggest they do?
First, read the For Women Only chapter on the “Visual Rolodex” and “Respect”, then get the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and read the whole book, and specifically study the chapters on a “Biblical Reproof” and “Church Discipline”. Be prayerful as this a very difficult and shameful sin to own up to. Ask God to reveal the truth to you, no matter how hurtful. Give your husband the chance to own up to his sin– ask him if he’s tempted in this area online or when he travels on television or in clubs. Ask him if he has lied to you. Avoid condemnation or making excuses for him. Instead, read the Word and see what God’s provision is for times like these. If he doesn’t own up to it and you still suspect, talk to your pastor, elder, or his accountability partner and tell them your concern. If he has already been caught using porn or worse and is not repentant, follow the biblical steps outlined in chapter 14 of The Excellent Wife. I would also suggest you go to www.settingcaptivesfree.com.
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